Seasons
by Dhampir72
Summary: It is only Allen's newfound relationship with Kanda that Allen discovers who means the most to him. Lavi/Allen. Epilogue posted.
1. Autumn

Title: Seasons

**Title**: Seasons

**Summary**: It is only through his newfound relationship with Kanda that Allen finally discovers who means the most to him. **LaviAllen**

**Genre**: Angst/Romance

**Rating: **PG-13/R

**Content**: Angst, some swearing and some sexual content.

**Author's Note**: I just found this story on my computer today and decided to post it. It's only four or five chapters and kind of cute. It's in the style that I prefer, more poetic because it's sensory driven and first person. If you liked my other story _Rain_, you might like this one too! Hope you enjoy it.

**pqpq**

Allen's POV

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He finally noticed me, returned my affections after all this time. I always thought that Kanda hated me, despised me since the moment he laid his dark eyes upon me. But maybe he really didn't, after all, we held hands and he seemed like he was okay with it. I was certainly okay with it, and that made it just fine. I was a little disappointed because he didn't say anything about the gesture, but the fact that he began to do it on a regular basis let me know that he at least felt something or else he wouldn't have done it again.

Of course, we would only do it when no one else was around. I think he was afraid of what other people would think if they saw our joined hands. Lenalee saw us once though and I really couldn't read her face. She didn't say anything about it at all, so I presumed we were safe. And Kanda and I continued to hold hands, which was nice and I liked it.

Kanda didn't like to talk, I found out, so we normally walked in silence. When he would speak to me, it was always gruff. The same old Kanda he had always been, only he was holding my hand like a tender gentleman and not like he wanted to rip the limb from my body. He always held my right too. I think my left frightened him too much, because he was a superstitious guy, I guessed.

One day, when it felt like fall was coming because all the trees outside were turning red and orange, I ran into Lavi in the hallway. He gave me a smile, but it wasn't like one of his usual ones that were so bright they could light up a room.

"So, Allen and Yuu, huh?" Lavi asked, not one to beat around the bush.

I felt my face get hot and I walked away, not wanting to answer it since I really didn't know what it meant anyway. As I turned the corner, I saw Lavi out of the corner of my eye looking a bit hurt, probably at my sudden departure. I would apologize later, I told myself, ignoring the twinge of guilt in my chest, and kept going.

Aimlessly, I walked around Headquarters until I found myself at Kanda's door. I knew he was there, and it was with some reluctance that I knocked. When he opened it and saw me he looked up and down the hall before allowing me in. He always had to do that. We were always hiding. But that was okay, I guessed, because he held my hand and it felt nice.

His room was gray and bare. He had pulled the curtain closed so the beautiful colors of the surrounding village below the Black Order could not be seen. I wish it had been open and the light could have lit up the gloomy room. But I didn't want to say anything, because he never said anything, not really.

Suddenly his lips were on mine, hard, like stone. I didn't know why he was kissing me, but it wasn't so bad. I felt his hands in my hair and I wondered if I could touch his, as it always had looked so beautiful and silky to me. But he grabbed my wrist as if sensing my intentions and permitted me to go no further.

I let him kiss me for a while, push me back on the cold white sheets. He put his tongue in my mouth and I wondered why on earth people would do that. It felt strange, but not bad, so I let him continue. After all, he was older than me, so he probably knew better anyway.

When the slant of light on the wall moved downward, he stopped and I suddenly found myself outside of his room, walking aimlessly again. I'm not quite sure what made me so restless, but I was.

This pattern continued for the next couple weeks. Missions were scarce, but I didn't bother to think of why. I was too busy wondering just what everything meant and why Kanda did those things he did and why it seemed like I never saw Lenalee or Lavi anymore.

I had tried to apologize to Lavi, but nothing really came out of it. He was on one side of his door and I was on the other. I could hear him sniffling like he had a bad cold and when I asked if he was sick, he said that he was. And when I said I was sorry, he told me it was okay. After that I didn't have much to say so I told him to get better and left, going back to my aimless wandering.

The trees outside were getting thinner and the air was getting colder and one day I found Lavi standing outside on the balcony up in the tower. I sometimes went there to think and Lavi must have been there for the same reason because he didn't even look up when I got there. His hair was so vibrant against that gray sky.

When he saw me, he looked surprised and gave me a small smile. It was weaker than the one he had given me a few weeks ago. I hoped he wasn't still sick, because too many things in my life had been changing and the last thing I wanted was for that brilliant smile of his to not be there anymore. I don't know when I started relying on it everyday; probably when I didn't get to see it that much anymore.

"Hey," he said, turning his gaze back to the sky and the trees and the little red-roofed houses down below.

"Hey," I said.

I leaned against the railing with him. I knew that he liked to have people on his left side so he could see them, so that's where I stood. It must have been something I picked up being his friend, I presumed.

He was looking at me, but pretending that he wasn't and had a sort of wistful look about him as he stared off into space. Maybe he was sad that winter was coming, I wasn't sure. That's how I felt though, even though I didn't want to say anything about it. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about with anyone. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered: if I did want to talk about it, would Kanda listen?

"What's wrong, Allen?"

Lavi's voice was warm enough to make the wind not so cold. But I just looked down and shook my head. Pushing away from the railing, I turned to head back inside.

"W-Wait!"

I felt his hand grasp my gloved left hand to keep me from leaving. I threw him off me like I had been burned, the shock of someone touching me there making me momentarily panic. I didn't mean to, it was just an ingrained reaction from my youth. I looked up to see Lavi standing there, clutching his hand to his chest as if _he_ had been burned.

"Sorry."

He hung his head in defeat, looking like he wanted to say something else but couldn't get it out. Something in my chest tightened, but I didn't think about it.

"'s my fault," I mumbled.

I left before he could say anything else, leaving Lavi standing there with his hand still to his chest like I had bitten him and his red hair still so bright against the dreary autumn sky. I bit my lip, feeling worse than before because I had caused it and didn't turn back.

**pqpq**

First chapter finished! And for those of you wondering: Yes, this will be **Lavi/Allen** but we have to get there somehow, don't we? I wanted to try something different: a lot of angst and wrong decisions that help make their relationship grow. It will be delicious, I think!

Second chapter already written—will be posted depending on feedback!

**Dhampir72**


	2. Winter

**Author's Note:** Because all of you left such nice reviews, here's your second chapter!

**pqpq**

After that, I knew it was my fault and I knew that I didn't want to see Lavi for a little while. I had upset him, and upset myself. I didn't want to see that look I couldn't quite name again. So I stayed my distance, occasionally in my wanderings around headquarters brought me past his room and I could swear that I heard him sniffling in there again and I worried that maybe his cold had come back because I upset him so much.

But I didn't see him for a while and spent my time with Kanda in the shadowy recesses of the building, our hands together. Why was his so much bigger and colder than mine? I didn't know and sometimes we'd end up back in his room and he would kiss me again and that would be it. Sometimes I wished that there was more, but more of what, I didn't know.

Lenalee wasn't as smiling as she normally was either and I asked her if she and Lavi had gotten colds. She looked at me as if she couldn't understand what I was saying and then looked away from me.

"Yeah, we have colds, Allen," she answered stiffly and walked away.

A few days later, I got a mission. I was sent out on assignment with Lavi, who had gone ahead of me to the train so I had to ride the boat all by myself. He wasn't in the compartment when I got there, either. I figured that he was really mad at me and I felt so bad that my chest was aching.

He eventually had to face me and when I was in his presence, it seemed I couldn't get my apology out. And I was grateful for the fight with the akuma when it came, although it didn't last long enough. Soon we were left alone again with nothing but silence between us and Lavi's cold back to me during that night when we slept.

Our time together was quiet, and though Lavi never looked at or spoke to me angrily or accusingly, I felt like it would have been easier if he had. On our way home I finally got my apology out.

"I'm sorry about…well, I didn't mean to…" I said.

He just nodded like he knew and kept his gaze on the window. I asked him if we were still friends and Lavi just short of shrugged like he could care less. I didn't understand where this all was coming from and that made me a little angry.

"Then what am I to you?" I asked, my voice as hard as the steel that made up the rails we were riding on; I didn't mean for it to sound so harsh.

He looked at me and the sun tilting in through the window caught his face in golden light. His one eye looked so much greener—I don't know how gold goes and does that. But it was so green and shiny and I thought it was just because when you look in the sun for too long your eyes start to water. But then I realized that they were tears and my anger drifted away, similar to clouds after a thunderstorm.

His gaze was sad and open for a moment, but then it was closed off like a window and I was left only with the cold winter of his pale face, so white now that the golden sunlight had drifted behind the clouds again. He didn't look like the Lavi I knew anymore. He didn't look like _my_ Lavi.

"What are you to me?" he repeated my question in a voice that reminded me of snow on cruel stone.

He leaned forward in the seat and my eyes couldn't look at his face anymore. So I took in his hands that were before him, his elbows resting on his knees. I couldn't help but think how delicate his wrists and fingers looked and they were as long and white as the cold season upon us. I noticed how his shoulders sort of slumped to the right a bit, almost as if they had gotten tired. Maybe he was tired and I just couldn't tell.

His voice was all seriousness when he continued and he looked me straight in the eyes with such force that it felt like he was piercing my very core. Even looking down, my eyes were drawn to his.

"To me, you are the most beautiful, kind, generous person I know. When I first saw you it was like…like my heart had been in hibernation all these years and you brought the summer. You woke me up and made me _feel_. You made me _want_. You made me _love_. And that's when I realized that I love you. And I've never felt this way for another human being before.

I was still. What did that mean? What did any of this mean?

"Fully awake, I only wanted you. But you…didn't want me. And that's okay. I was okay, because as long as you were happy, I was happy and that made everything all right. But then...it started to hurt and bleed, like a wound that's gotten infected. I've never cared for anything so much before that my whole being crumbled and everything I've ever worked for seemed meaningless. You _hurt_ me."

The blunt force of his gaze was too painful to look at. If only it would have been accusing, hateful, angry, maybe I would have been able to deal with it. But there was nothing there and it was frightening how neutral his face was and how cold it looked and how icy his words were. It was making my chest ache so badly I thought I was going to break.

"But it's okay," he continued, his face unchanging. "It's okay because the wound is clotting and closing up and my heart is returning to that winter slumber again. When that happens, I won't feel the pain anymore. I won't feel anything anymore. And that way when people ask me what you mean to me I can answer like this—"

With trepidation, I looked up, just in time for him to give me the coldest, most emotionless smile I had ever seen. His one eye was like smoky glass and it frightened me because I could tell that the Lavi I knew really wasn't in there anymore, but somewhere far away.

"Allen Walker was the boy who broke my heart."

His voice was like a whisper that touched me and I shivered. The ache in my chest was throbbing more intensely at his horrible words. But I knew I deserved it and cast my eyes downwards so I didn't have to look at him anymore and feel the full force of what I had done staring me so blankly in the face.

But it was for nothing, because he was gone, almost as if he hadn't been there in the first place. The sun came back through the gray clouds and was shining into the compartment through the window, those gold rays reflected on the wall and the empty seat and I was all alone again. It wasn't comforting because I could feel the weight of all the things that were my fault weighing down on my shoulders like a physical burden.

My heart was aching and I couldn't quite understand why. The loss of my best friend was something that could cause it, but it was something deeper: a deeper sense of loss that I couldn't quite explain to myself. It took me a moment to realize that I was crying and I touched the hot tears that spilled down my cheeks of their own accord. And that ache got worse and I felt as if the world had just stopped.

That's when I finally realized that I loved him too.

**pqpq**

You like it so far? Drop a review and you'll get the next chapter...And yes, for those of you wondering, this will be **LaviAllen** eventually!

**Dhampir72**


	3. Spring

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the reviews. Here's your third chapter, where things just maybe might get a little sunnier…

**pqpq**

As it festered, like an infection, I slowly began to realize all the things I had done. My chest hurt continuously with the knowledge that I had hurt Lavi so deeply. I cried that night afterwards back at headquarters, and I realized as I sobbed that they were the same noises I had heard coming from Lavi's room when I passed it at night. And that just made me cry all the more, to know that Lavi had been weeping because his heart was breaking wanting me, just how I was weeping now wanting him.

The next morning was cold and gray and I woke feeling horrible. My eyes were puffy and dry from crying, but I did not care. Standing, I left my room, barefooted and without my gloves and began to walk aimlessly again. My bare feet against the freezing ground made me shiver. But I felt like I deserved it, so it didn't matter.

I went to Lavi's room and stood outside his door, putting my ear to the wood and listening intently, hoping I would hear his breathing to know he was there. But it was quiet and my feet were cold and I couldn't bring myself to knock and hear the empty echo inside his empty room. So I walked again.

The last person I wanted to see was Kanda. It sounded cruel, but I couldn't stand to see him and all those shades of gray right now. I don't think I could have handled that cold room on those white sheets as he kissed me with marble lips. I just couldn't. Not right now.

Not ever again.

But I had to. I had to go to him and end it. That was the only thing I could think of. Even if Lavi didn't want me anymore, he at least made me see that Kanda and I were something that would never work. Ever.

I knocked on his door. He would be awake, no matter the early hour. The door opened slowly, his eye peeking out at me before the space widened and he was leaning against the frame with his black hair unbound and spilling over his shoulders. He never wore it down around me, I thought with a twinge in my chest, but I ignored it.

"Kanda," I said his name and it echoed dully against the cold walls.

He didn't acknowledge me any differently, watching me with a closed off gaze. It hurt me that he didn't bother to ask what was wrong; why I was barefoot and why my eyes were rimmed red from crying. It was as if it didn't matter my heart was breaking and he made no move to come close to me, put a comforting arm on my shoulder. He just stayed on his side of the door and I on the other.

"We're done," he said, his voice echoing worse than mine.

It was not a question. It was a statement. He was ending it. I wanted it to end. It all worked out. But still, wouldn't there be some sort of compassion in him? Did he ever hold me dear at all? Or was I just something to pass the time with? I'll never know because Kanda would never tell and I would never ask. The door shut, leaving me out in the cold hallway again, emptier than before. I needed to get out. I needed air.

I needed Lavi.

I found myself seeking the sun. Brightness. Vibrant reds and oranges and greens. I wanted Lavi and I sought him in this bleak, black maze of hallways. My heart ached and writhed like a dying animal in my chest at seeing him, but I had to see him or else I knew it would only get worse.

My feet took me up a winding staircase, like a snail shell, around and around and around again, all black and frigid with the occasional window that shed some weak light in from outside. Then I was standing outside the black door that led to the balcony in the tower and my heart told me that he would be there and it throbbed painfully at the prospect of meeting _another_ stoic gaze.

I pushed the door open and the wind assaulted me, numbing my nose and fingertips and toes. He was there with his back to the door, his red hair like fire against the gray dawn and his scarf blowing in the breeze similar to the leaves of autumn. He did not turn to look at me even though I wanted him to and didn't want him to, my feet taking small steps on the icy ground toward him.

Lavi was so vibrant and beautiful and I wondered how I never had noticed it before and hated myself. I wanted to call to him and tell him how I felt and have him hold me in his arms and kiss me, but he wasn't turning around to look at me and my eyes felt hot and scratchy.

_I love you!_ I wanted to shout.

_I'm sorry._ I wanted to say.

_Please, will you love me?_ I wanted to ask.

But nothing could escape my cold lips and my cheeks were so numb I could barely feel the tears making their way down my face. Lavi still wouldn't look at me and I felt like my heart would break if he pushed me away.

My last effort, my last chance, I went up to Lavi and put my arms around his waist in an embrace. His back was hard and he made no indication that he even noticed me. I just held on tighter, hoping, praying that he would respond. There were a few tense minutes, my toes painfully cold, in which I was worried he would pull away and say something cruel again. I didn't move, hoping beyond all hope that he wouldn't.

"Your feet are going to get frozen," he finally said and I could feel his voice within me like a warm day.

I was crying freely still as he turned around in my grasp and I buried my head in his chest. I fit perfectly against him, like his body had been molded for mine to be pressed against his. His arms went around me and held me to him and I could feel his chin rest atop my head.

Accepting.

Forgiving.

Loving.

And I couldn't help but cry again. But this time, it was with happiness.

**pqpq**

Awww. It all worked out, see? Next chapter is some more **LaviAllen** love, so don't think it's over just yet. Because believe _me_, it's not. Muhahahahahaha. And for those of you wondering if I was able to control myself, well…let's just say it won't be MA or anything, but Allen and Lavi get to enjoy some –coughcough- time together.

Drop me a **review** if you liked!

(Drop me a **review** if you vote for smut! –raises hands-)

**Dhampir72**


	4. Summer

**Author's Note**: Thanks for all the great reviews, watches, alerts, and favorites. You guys are awesome!

**pqpq**

My feet were freezing, but Lavi's chest was warm and I didn't want to move away from the comfortable hold that he held me in. Lavi had wrapped his scarf around my neck sometime during our embrace.

"C'mon. Let's go inside," he said, and though I couldn't see his expression I could hear his voice; warm and gentle and I could only nod meekly as I tried to stop crying.

He swept me up under my weak knees and it took me a second to realize that Lavi was carrying me. We went inside and I was considerably warmer, but maybe it was because I was in a pair of such loving arms that I felt that way. But no matter what I did I couldn't stop my tears. I was aware that I kept repeating apologies and endearments over and over while placing soft kisses on Lavi's bare neck. He whispered things back to me that were too low for me to understand through the buzzing in my ears, although I somehow knew that they were just as loving as my own words.

After a while, I was laid down in a cozy nest of blankets that smelled like spices. I reluctantly let go of Lavi and curled up there, feeling safe and loved, especially when Lavi's hand stroked my hair tenderly. At least I had stopped crying.

The room came into sharper focus and I realized then that I wasn't in my own room, nor any place else I had ever been before, so I ventured a guess to say that it was where Lavi lived. It was small and warm, like a cubby hole almost. Books were everywhere, kept in neat stacks or straight on shelves. The red curtains on the window were pulled back to show the winter view but the earthy colors of the room soothed me, like autumn.

"Here."

His hands were on mine, both of them, not shying away from the rough, red skin of my Akuma arm. A hot mug was placed in my palms and I accepted it. I was suddenly aware of what had just happened and that my eyes were probably puffier than before and I felt embarrassed.

"Thanks," I answered, avoiding his eyes as I took a sip.

It was something exotic that tasted quite nice.

"Chai," he said to my unasked question.

I just nodded and kept on drinking. When I was done, he took my cup and handed me a pair of cozy warm socks which I gratefully put on. Then it was just silence for a moment or two and I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say.

"I'm sorry," Lavi said, breaking the silence between us.

I looked at him, confused almost. That was my line, wasn't it? He wasn't looking at me, his blind side facing my body so he had an excuse. But he was deliberately keeping his gaze away from mine.

"I'm sorry I said those things…on the train…" he continued, pulling at one of the tassels on his throw blanket. "I made you feel guilty, and I shouldn't have."

It was all wrong and I wanted to shout at him and tell him that it was me and that he shouldn't feel bad when it was my fault all along. I looked up Lavi and leaned toward him, touching his hand. He was so warm.

"No," I said.

He finally turned his head to meet my eyes. His one emerald eye had more color than the last time we had spoken, and that gave me the confidence to continue.

"No, you made me see. You made me understand."

I didn't know how to explain it. Lavi had used such beautiful words to describe his pain, but I couldn't use anything so elegant to describe my love for him. I was unsure how to. So I took his hand and brought it to my chest, placing it over my heart.

"It only beats for you, Lavi," I said, my eyes feeling hot, wanting him to understand and to accept what I was saying, that I wanted him and only him and no one else.

And his reaction was more than I could hope for: he smiled that dazzling smile at me and I gave him one of my own even though a few tears had fallen from my eyes. I felt his thumb come to wipe them away, so lovingly that I can't describe what I felt except a warmth that spread from my heart through my entire body. His lips then came to my cheek and he kissed the remaining tears away until I had no more left within me. Then my lips came next and I could feel the difference between when he kissed me and when Kanda kissed me. Lavi was gentle and warm and _I _was the one pulling _him_ down on top of me among the nest of blankets.

Lavi threaded his fingers through my hair and did not stop me when I returned the gesture. His hair was so soft and almost silky under my hands.

"Lavi…" I sighed contently against his lips.

"Allen…" he breathed back to me, hands moving from my hair down my body, his lips then on my neck, kissing me again.

Kanda had never kissed me anywhere but my lips, so this was new. It felt _good_. I wanted more, like a craving I couldn't control. My head fell back against the pillows and more skin was exposed for his warm lips to explore. I was panting by the time he reached my shoulder and my body was so hot it was hard to describe. All I knew was that I _wanted_ Lavi. I didn't know how, but I wanted him.

Cool air on my chest and stomach brought me out of my daze enough to realize that Lavi had undone the buttons on my shirt and had gotten me out of it somehow. But then the brief moment of clarity was interrupted, because the heat returned when his hands moved against my flesh, so pleasantly hot that I could feel my body reacting in ways I never thought possible.

"L-Lavi…" I was blushing, as if I wasn't hot enough already.

His hands stopped and his lips were suddenly gone from my shoulder and by my ear, kissing me almost apologetically.

"I'm sorry…I'm going too fast…" he murmured before straightening up.

He was sitting up over me, looking rather ashamed, but that wasn't what I was looking at. I took in the flush that his skin had taken, a couple shades lighter than his mussed up hair, the way that his eye was shiny with passion. He had been feeling everything that I was feeling: the heat, the pleasure, the _want_. I'd never felt this way with Kanda, never wanted anyone to touch me and kiss me this much before.

"No…" I said, reaching for his hand.

It was so warm, even more so when I pressed it to my chest. My heart was hammering so loudly there I bet that Lavi could feel it.

"I…don't want you to stop…" I finished with a smile, which he returned

And then his lips were on mine again, his hands on my body, searching, touching me everywhere. When there was slight pain, his hands held mine, so warm and accepting despite the mix-matched flesh. And when we finally joined, moving in perfect harmony I realized what I had been missing all along: it was almost as if this entire thing had been one big puzzle and I was finally able to put all the pieces together to make one complete picture. We were made for each other, Lavi and I. I loved him and he loved me. I understood this by the feel of our bodies as one, the sound of our voices reaching the highest pitch together upon completion.

After we were through, we stayed in bed, wrapped up in each others arms amongst the warm sheets smelling like spices. We kissed and whispered sweet words of love to one another as the sun came up and bathed the bed in golden glow. Lavi smiled at me, that beautiful smile that I came to learn I could never live without.

And that's when I understood that I had belonged to Lavi all along.

**pqpq**

There it is! The end! This was just a little short thing that I found in my huge documents folder. I thought it was kind of sweet, but kind of corny, but we all need that sometimes, don't we? So, there you go, some love, love, love for Allen and Lavi. Although the requests for smut were high, I tuned down the porn so it wasn't so…porn-y. It made me sad, but it still came out all right, yeah? I just thought that maybe a full out lemon would kind of ruin the moment a little...

If you liked, drop me a **review**. Also, if you liked this, **watch me **because I've got a new story coming out called "One Hundred" which is one-hundred stories about Lavi and Allen. It's sure to be amazing, especially with this great couple.

**Also, if you'd like the epilogue, leave me a review and I'll post that as well :P**

As always, thanks for reading and everyone's continued support!

**Dhampir72**


	5. Epilogue

**Author's Note: **Here's your epilogue!

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Summer felt like it came early that year, the year that Lavi and I got together. Everything was all warmth and smiles and cool nights that were spent together with the windows open in his bed making love. I loved the time we spent together and the way that Lavi would hold either one of my hands without a care at how different they were. And the way that Lavi would kiss my forehead, his lips tracing the scar that marred the left side of my face with such tender loving care that I melted each and every time.

When we had to leave on missions, it was always hard parting. I know that when Lavi left for a few weeks after we got together, I just laid in his bed every night, breathing in his scent, afraid that I'd forget it if he was gone for too long. It was strange for me to _long_ for someone so much. I hadn't felt this way since Mana, where everything felt meaningless without him around. It was the same with Lavi, who I felt so…incomplete without. When he finally came home, it felt like it had been ages, but his arms still fit around me so perfectly and his lips were still perfectly molded for mine and everything had purpose once again.

At least a few of the missions required the both of us going together. These times were nice, as we could be alone together for the trip and hold hands wherever we wanted. Although I have to say that battles were a little nerve-racking (me always looking over my shoulder to make sure Lavi was all right, staying a few steps ahead of danger) those hotel rooms and private train compartments also serve far better purposes than their intended functions…

When we were home, we'd wander around together, holding hands when we were out of range of being caught. I didn't fear the science department as much as I feared Bookman, because I knew of his wrath and how bad it could get. Plus, Lavi got moody when the subject of his mentor came up, so I presumed it wouldn't be wise for the old man to just happen to see us, hand-in-hand, or worse yet, the way I would curl up with Lavi in his chair in the library when he had to write logs. I'd never look, because he didn't want me to, so I would just sit in his lap, curled up against his chest, breathing with him in the quiet recesses of the book room while his quill scratched away into the night.

This new style of life felt like second nature to me. It was so easy to get used to being in Lavi's arms and to feel his presence near me at all times. Everything about him was mine and everything about me was his. And we smiled with this knowledge, as if we had a big secret that no one else knew about.

But some people did know. Kanda for one. Lenalee for another. They found us a few times together, our arms around each other in a way that spoke volumes more than just close friendship. But it wasn't like they were all that innocent either, as Lavi and I had found _them_ a few times together doing things that would certainly have Komui out to destroy the entire male race.

"I didn't know Kanda liked Lenalee," I said to Lavi one night, just in passing.

"Well, Lenalee's liked Yuu for years," Lavi replied, his back to me as he shelved some books.

" Really?" I asked, not knowing this.

"Yeah, that's why she was so s—not herself when you da—and Yuu were together," Lavi said, choosing his words carefully.

Suddenly the image of Lenalee discovering Kanda and I in the hallway with our hands together came to mind. That look on her face and the cold way that she regarded me afterwards and the way that I had believed she and Lavi had caught colds because of their constant strange behavior…Why hadn't I realized it before?

"Oh…" I said, looking down. "So, how did this…you know, how'd they get together?"

Lavi's motions stilled for a moment before continuing. There was something about this avoidance behavior that bothered me.

"After you two broke up, you came to me and Lenalee went to Yuu," Lavi explained. "Apparently, she sort of confessed to him when you and I were on that mission…"

Something hurt in my chest at the realization that Kanda had given up on me so easily, waited until I came home and then broke it off with me to be with Lenalee. Why'd he even do those things with me in the first place if he didn't mean any of it? I asked Lavi, who said he didn't know.

A few days later, though, I found out that Lavi had cornered Kanda in the bath house to ask him about it. Lenalee told me about it, but didn't know very many details. All we knew was that they talked and both came back to their lovers in a foul mood. According to some sources around the Order (how did everyone suddenly know?) Kanda had said some pretty awful things to Lavi and the redhead had returned them tenfold. I knew it was bad, because if Kanda was referenced after that, Lavi wouldn't call him by his real name, but by his last name or simply "that guy".

"What'd he say that made you mad, Lavi?" I asked, touching him gently one night when I was tired of seeing his shoulders so stiff with anger.

"He insulted you," Lavi said angrily, and I was surprised because I hadn't been expecting him to just tell me right out.

"Insulted me?" I asked, a twinge in my chest. "What'd he…say?"

"Doesn't matter. He insulted you, and then he insulted me," Lavi replied, shifting a little uncomfortably. "I don't want to deal with that guy for a while."

It took another day or two of wearing Lavi's patience thin to get him to open up and tell me exactly what had happened. Lavi wouldn't tell me what Kanda had said about me, but he told me that Kanda had called him the "rebound guy". It made me sad to see that Lavi's normally light emerald-green eye turned rather dark when he said this, as if he believed it. This led to a few hours of just the two of us in his bed disproving this theory.

Lavi was significantly more cheerful after that, when it was very clear between us that it was deeper than just some fling that I wanted because I was still hurting over Kanda's rejection. It wasn't even that bad, I told him, because once I knew I loved Lavi I was going to break up with him anyways. When I told Lavi this, his smile was back to being its normal, one-hundred-and-ten percent watt bright.

That storm passed and pretty soon, Lavi was back to calling Kanda "Yuu-chan" and bothering him in public. Lenalee had made them apologize. Hearing Kanda say the words "I'm sorry" to someone was something that was amazing on a gigantic scale, but even more hearing him say it not only to Lavi, but to me.

"What for?" I asked, confused.

Kanda looked at me, then at Lavi.

"So he didn't tell you, then?" was the question.

I shook my head. Kanda apology was for the insults that he had placed on me when he and Lavi had been arguing. Apparently he said the only reason he was with me was because I looked like a woman, my white hair and rather androgynous face intriguing him.

I kicked the shit out of him for that one; one of the only times Kanda and I sparred that I actually won.

After we were through, I accepted the apology. After all, for Kanda to even come out and say something like that to someone was proof that he truly respected and adored Lenalee enough to _do_ something like that. I even caught Kanda smiling one day at her and I was so shocked I nearly fell over. It wasn't jealousy that made me react that way, but just seeing that his face _could_ smile…I knew Lenalee was the one for him and any bitterness I might have harbored for the Japanese Exorcist dissipated.

Of course, when Komui found out that Lenalee liked one of the boys…a lot of secrets came out that day.

"Which one of you is _deflowering_ my little sister?!" Komui asked, strangely calm, although ominous as he walked up and down the line of male Exorcists in front of him, drill in hand.

We all shook our heads, poor Lenalee so red behind Komui that I thought her head might burst. Komui went down the line and glared at each of us in turn, seeking a confession.

"I'm with Miranda," Noise said, right from the start (the large crash outside must have been Miranda eavesdropping, or at least attempting to).

"Eliade…" Krory cried sadly when Komui came to stand before him; Lavi actually reached over to pat his shoulder a little to keep him from losing it.

"So it's got to be one of you three," Komui said, his murderous eyes on me, Lavi, and Kanda.

We all went quiet, Lenalee looking worried, wondering what she could possibly do to stop her brother, who was looking at Lavi with such a glare that I wondered how he didn't flinch.

"It's _you_ isn't it? You're lecherous enough, aren't you?!" Komui cried, pointing his finger at Lavi. "Deflowering my little sister! How could you?! You beast!"

Lavi protested as calmly as possible, but when Komui started aiming his drill at a rather important part of Lavi's anatomy, his arms immediately came around me and Komui narrowed his eyes.

"Homosexuality as a form of camouflage! I'll not believe it!" Komui shouted, coming at the both of us now with his drill.

"W-What? But it's true…" Lavi insisted, leaning down to kiss me.

There's a certain way that I suppose straight men would kiss if they were forced. This wasn't one of those kisses and I got a little carried away myself. I have a feeling that if it wasn't for the sudden screaming of Komui finding Kanda mirroring our actions with Lenalee, Lavi and I might have made use of that convenient sofa in Komui's office.

While Komui plotted on somehow destroying Kanda, Lavi and I went back to our old routine. Our secret remained safe for a few days, but then Bookman found out. I've never seen him look so livid before. And I've never seen Lavi turn so _pale_ before.

"Lavi. I need to speak with you. Alone," he said, glancing at me to get the point across.

I slipped my hand into Lavi's. He was shaking a little, and I wasn't quite sure why. Surely Bookman would understand and everything would end up all right…

"Very well," Bookman said, when I did not leave.

Then he began to talk to Lavi in a different language, something that could have been Chinese or some other Asian language. He switched between a few, something I vaguely recognized as Spanish and at one point, French, but it all remained beyond my intelligence. All I knew was that Bookman was not happy with Lavi from the tone of his voice and that it had to do with me from the way his kohl-rimmed eyes would sometimes flicker to me. As for Lavi, he remained stoic as ever, although I could see that his jaw tensed every now and then and his eye was tight. The hand that was normally so warm and safe felt clammy and cold in mine, and for some reason, much smaller. I comforted him however I could, but I don't know if my gentle squeezes to his hand helped.

When Bookman finally left, Lavi collapsed into the nearest chair, pulling me with him. He was quiet for the longest time, and I didn't want to break the silence, so I just laid against him to offer whatever strength I could.

"Bookman wants to leave," he finally said, after the fire had almost burned itself out in the library hearth.

I thought my heart stopped in my chest.

"What?" I asked, voice small, breath slightly choked.

"Bookman wants to leave," Lavi repeated, holding me tighter. "I don't want to go."

I knew saying _so don't_ wouldn't be all that easy. As if he read my mind, he shook his head.

"I wish I could, but it's not that simple," he said.

And then he explained to me, explained to me everything about the Bookmen. About their clan, their values, their personas…I could have cried knowing that the Lavi I knew and loved wasn't real, but some made-up character that Bookman Junior had chosen to play the part of.

"I am real," Lavi said, seeing my expression, touching my cheek. "I am Lavi. I am Lavi and I love you, Allen Walker. That can't be fake."

"I don't want you to disappear, Lavi," I said, hiding my face in his neck. "I don't think I can live…if you're not here."

Lavi's arms tightened around me and we sat there for the longest time, me praying that this wouldn't be the last few moments we spent together, and him most likely going through each and every possible scenario to choose the best one. His thoughts were at least pro-active.

The next day, Bookman resigned from the Order and he left by himself. I didn't know this, until Lenalee told me. I rushed to find Lavi and found him sitting by the window in the library with a slightly tortured expression on his face. Sitting across from him, I asked him what happened. Lavi chose his words carefully, but explained to me as simply as possible: he was no longer Bookman's successor, so the old man had gone out to continue on with his previous profession, hopefully to get another apprentice before he died.

"I get to stay," Lavi said, pulling me to him.

If he was so happy to stay here with me, why was his expression so conflicted?

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Sorry," Lavi replied, angrily rubbing at his left eye. "It's just…I've been with Bookman since I was six. It's…strange to be apart from him. I feel like I betrayed him somehow. I owe him for everything he's done but…"

"But what?" I asked, when he didn't continue.

"I'm so selfish," Lavi said, looking like he was going to cry, but doing a pretty good job of not doing so. "I love you. I love this place, this life, this 'me'. I'm selfish because I just…I wanted to stay with you—with everyone. I wanted to be _happy_."

"There's nothing wrong…with wanting to be happy," I replied, kissing him. "I'm sorry, though. I didn't know you had to choose between me and being a Bookman. I know…I know that's what you really wanted all along."

"You're what I really wanted all along," he corrected, putting his arms around me.

After that, it looked like things got a lot better. Lavi and I grew closer than ever and because of our happiness together, for some reason we synched better with our Innocence, which led to us becoming even better Exorcists. Our hands were allowed to hold each others freely and after a while, Kanda and Lenalee were wandering around just like us with their hands clasped together and that little secret smile on their lips. Komui certainly wasn't happy, but we all were, and that was all that mattered.

**pqpq**

Ehh, the epilogue was much better the first time it was written (computer problems, grr) but this one came out all right, I guess (do I get some points for trying to rewrite this from **memory**?). A sort of wrap up for you, I guess. There actually was **another part** that I'm trying to salvage, but I don't think I'll bother with it unless you all insist. It's got to do with what happens during/after the war with the Earl.

But if not, this is the **end**. I'm glad you guys liked it so much (hopefully this epilogue wasn't reminiscent of a certain Harry Potter book that blew badly) and I really appreciate all the alerts/reviews/favorites and whatnot. Thanks so much!

Also (-insert shameless selfplug here-) I've got that new fanfiction coming up called **One Hundred** with features 100 stories about Allen and Lavi. I've got like…thirty of them written already. It's bound to be fun with this great couple, so look out for that coming soon!

Thanks again for all your love!

**Dhampir72**


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